Taking Care of Your Marriage while Parenting

Taking care of your marriage as you navigate parenthood

My husband and I are in this weird time in our lives in which our children are emerging as young adults.  We have one daughter who is in college but comes home fairly often.  The initial separation of dropping her off at campus had me in tears even though her school is a mere hour away from home.  Now, our youngest daughter, who is a senior in high school, is making plans to go off to college in the fall.  I want to believe I will be more emotionally prepared for her drop-off.  Fingers crossed! 

With that being said, we realize our life at home will look very different soon enough from what it has been the last 20-some years.  I have mixed feelings about this.  To some degree, there is sadness because there is an unspoken understanding that our family life is going to change, and I love the parent-child relationships we’ve developed.  On the other hand, my relationship with my husband will evolve once again, and I find that exciting.  I see many travel excursions in our future!  And then there’s the uncertainty of what our future holds.  What will it look like?  How will we grow?  What new challenges will we face?

But one thing that brings me comfort is knowing that my partner-in-life is in this with me.  I’m not alone. 

It is so easy to get swept up in the role as a parent when you first have kids.  We believe that being good parents means devoting all our focus on our little ones.  But the problem is, we forget we have a spouse or partner who also deserves our love and attention.  And if we are not careful, we may drift too far from our partner.  I think it is so important to nurture our couple relationship while alongside raising kids.  This not only ensures you and your partner remain connected but also helps your kids see what healthy relationships look like.   

So here are some ways to keep the connection as you navigate parenthood.

1.  Be on the same page about discipline.  If you have differing views that’s okay; just make sure to listen to each other and compromise as much as possible without involving the kids in conflict.   Remember that each of you will form unique relationships with your children.  The relationship between mom and child can look different from the one dad has with child. 

2. Continue dating each other.  Yes, kids make it challenging to have one-on-one time, but it’s not impossible.  And it’s not about fancy dinners and expensive date nights.  What matters most is you give your full attention to your partner like you did before kids.  It’s about QUALITY time!  So put the phones away and have fun with each other.

3.  Talk about your goals as a couple, a family, and as individuals.  Some of these goals you will work on together and others you will offer support to each other to attain them.  But discussing them keeps you aware of each other’s trajectories and keeps you up-to-date with any personal changes that may occur with your partner. 

4.  Share your feelings about your everchanging family dynamic.  It is normal for families to evolve and grow.  I know I felt better when my husband shared that he was experiencing similar thoughts and feelings with our girls growing up.  This allowed us to move toward exploring new ideas on how we will spend all our free time as empty nesters!

Take care of your marriage now because when the kids are gone it is just the two of you!  And it is so nice to know that you still love and admire each other after the parenting is done.  Bravo!

Does Therapy Really Work?

therapist%2Bchair.jpg

Does therapy really work?

This question comes up quite often for me.  And the answer is yes… and no. 

For some people it really works!  Imagine feeling like you’ve tried everything you can think of but you’re still unhappy and struggling to get through your day.  Or, your relationship is still as crappy as it was three months ago.  You get to a point in your life where something has to change, and you know it! 

When I was pregnant with my firstborn and married just a year, I realized I had not dealt with a trauma that had occurred during my teen years, and I felt helpless and lost. The fact that I was about to give life forced me to do something.  I hit the jackpot with my beautiful husband, but as wonderful, caring, and supportive as he was, he wasn’t sure how to help.  And I wasn’t sure what I needed.

I worked in a building that housed many therapists and counselors so I was lucky that I had plenty of choices and not far to go for my appointments.  I confided in one particular therapist, Dr. G, during my lunch break, and he kindly led me to his office for our first session.  I remember feeling anxious but hopeful.  Yet, I was also completely unaware of how therapy worked.  I didn’t know what to expect and I had my reservations about it.  What was he going to ask me?  Was he going to suggest medication?  Did he have all the answers I needed to feel better?  Did he have magical powers???  Please, oh please!

I’ve got to tell you – it felt amazing and scary at the same time!  I told this person some very deep, dark thoughts about my life that I had not shared with anyone else.  Not even my husband.  I broke down in tears as I recalled my events.  I had been holding back for so long and finally I felt a huge sense of relief.  While I had imagined I would feel exposed by revealing so much of myself to Dr. G whom I barely knew, it felt good to purge such heavy feelings.  I didn’t need to feel bad or shame for expressing my truth.  Dr. G expressed understanding and empathized with my situation.  He urged me to make changes but in a way that made me feel supported. 

You see, my upbringing hadn’t provided me with much experience of healthy relationships so I kept a lot to myself, not unlike my mother in her relationships.  I tried for the longest time to deal with my problems on my own.  And so, I struggled in silence.  But now, this new interaction with my therapist allowed me to learn ways to trust and open up.  He challenged me at times and eventually I began to learn new ways to think and feel about my trauma. 

So, did it work for me?  Well, yeah, that’s why I’m a therapist.  When I began going to counseling, I went for one specific reason – to deal with my trauma.  However, I ended up learning so much more about myself, my relationships with others, about my behaviors, about the reasons I did the things I did.  Life really started to make sense to me.  And even after I walked out from my final session, I continued to build on my new awareness and make choices that were healthy for me and my family. 

Of course, this isn’t always the case for everyone.  I believe you have to be open to counseling and ready to make real changes.  But what I’m not saying is that you have to go by my pace or my timeline.  I respect that my clients will work at a rate that is comfortable for them just as my therapist did for me.  I will forever be grateful for my therapist walking with me through my struggles and guiding me to a new future.  I hope for those who struggle as I did that you take a chance and give it a try.  I believe there is always opportunity to make changes in your life but you have to choose to do so.

More Couples Therapy for Your Buck!

February Special

Extended Couples Therapy Session

Valentine’s Day is almost here!  And guess what!  I’m offering a February special for all my couples - new and existing.  My couples have the opportunity of receiving an extended counseling session (1 hr. 20 min.) for the same price of a regular counseling session (50 min.). 

So, what does this do for you?  Well, some couples find that it takes a little bit of time to get to the nitty gritty of their issues.  Just as you seem to be getting somewhere, time is up! Then we have to pick up where we left off the next time around.  An extended session offers you the chance to arrive at the problem without feeling rushed.

Another convenience with longer counseling sessions is the chance to participate in couples’ activities.  A majority of session is typically talk therapy, however, activities and games during session can help couples alleviate tension, increase playfulness, and promote closeness. 

Remember ALL sessions booked as a couple pay only $75 instead of the extended therapy session rate of $120.  This is only good through the month of February. And, since these sessions take more time, appointments are limited. If you are interested in booking an extended couples’ session, please email or call to reserve your spot!

Time Outs: Not Just For Kids

DSC_0575.JPG

How do most arguments with your partner play out for you?  Do you tend to listen and share cooperatively?  Do you take your time when things get heated?  Do you break bread, shake hands at the end and go on happily with your day? 

If this is you then YAY!  But for some couples and some arguments this isn’t always the case. 

What I tend to see is that some conflict runs deeper and may need to be handled with more sensitivity and care than others.  Some partners have differing responses to conflict.  Maybe one partner shuts down and the other continues trying to get to the bottom of the problem.  While wanting to take care of issues as they appear is ideal, it is not always necessary or helpful. 

In many couples, there tends to be one partner, the Pursuer, who prefers to deal with problems promptly.  He or she will want to keep talking about the conflict until it is fully resolved.  However, the other person, the Distancer, might feel overwhelmed, become increasingly angry, or stops listening altogether.  This person just wants it to stop.  This is when it is helpful to take a time out. 

If we wait too long to take a time out we run the risk of saying something hurtful to our partner which only adds more work for us (you as a couple and me as a therapist) in the future.  When we are met with too much conflict, we lose the ability to think clearly and rationally.  By continuing to argue, we are unable to be fully heard and understood.  We also lessen the chance of coming to a healthy compromise. 

In some cases, the Pursuer is motivated to be persistent in seeking a solution in order to maintain balance in the relationship.  Sitting with negative feelings doesn’t feel good and it is human nature to find ways to relieve ourselves of the discomfort.  However, being too pushy to find all the right answers at one given moment might be too much pressure for the Distancer partner.  That’s not to say the issue must be avoided or forgotten. 

So, what do you do?  Take a time out.  Just like kids, adults need them too!  When you begin to find yourself bringing up old problems from the past or thinking hurtful comments in your head that you’re ready to unleash on your partner – Take a Time Out!!!  If you’re unable to think clearly and find yourself tuning out – Take a Time Out!!! 

Nevertheless, it is important that you communicate with each other how much of a break is appropriate.  This can mean 20 minutes (at least!), 2 hours, or the next day.  Whatever timeline you decide just make sure it’s mutually understood. And in the meantime, try to go about your normal routine or do something relaxing.  Continue to treat each other with kindness and respect.  Just because you have a disagreement does not mean it’s okay to be hurtful to one another.

By waiting, we allow ourselves to cool down, reflect on the problem, and sometimes we may even have a change of heart.  Not all problems need to be addressed quickly.  And that’s okay.